On turning 40

It’s funny, we forgot our son’s backpack at home this morning, my husband asked me to drop off some stuff (the prerolls I bought for him last week) to his office if it wasn’t too inconvenient, and as I sit down at my office, my bad has everything but my laptop. Charger yes, laptop no. So hello from my phone! I imagine it’s like I’m sending you a long text.

*Before I dive all the way in, we have our last TRYING IRL tomorrow of the series with Jane Helpern mom and friend I admire to talk motherhood and identity, and trying through it all. Join us!

I turned 40 on Monday. We were in Hawaii, our family’s happy place, and on our last day (Wednesday) we saw a double rainbow. It all felt like magic and the past few months have felt like anything but that.

In August, we moved into a new house after months of searching for a lower mortgage and more space (the impossible in LA?), we found it! But now we’re now stressing about selling the old house. A week after we moved our child started kindergarten, he/we were surprised by his delayed mourning of the move in unexpected moments. Getting hit by a kid in the first month of school didn’t help (and me writing the not too mad email easy chill understanding but stern enough with a follow up email to make sure I know what the plan of action is to the teacher).

My marriage has felt rocky (and that’s a nice way of putting it). Every conversation a potential land mine for some argument unearthed. And the fight not being about what’s on the surface (the missing item in the move or the annoyance of navigating the best way to park two cars in our new driveway) but the iceberg of what’s really underneath. Our version of mourning maybe: the safety, the stability, the worthiness, the equity in the load, the significance in our work.

My parents who moved here to help us bought a bakery! (It’s wonderful to see my mom thriving again), I lost my dad’s childcare help in the process of my mom getting her groove back. And suddenly my plans of working and working out and date nights and building a business feel distant again.

Then, after venting to my therapist, I get this text from my dad, totally unprompted:

And I cry. Because I feel seen. I feel understood without having to express, and try and find the most balanced and fair way to be elated for my mom, and ask my dad for help, trying to find the right time, the right tone. He just sees me.

My husband was getting stressed planning my 40th, so I let him off the hook/I didn’t want him to mess it up and candidly I didn’t want to be disappointed. So I made my early bday dinner exactly what I wanted to be. Korean food by Saehee Cho with a choice friend group to enjoy it all with.

The lights were too dark to see the food but I didn’t mind and neither did my friends because these friends were the ones I felt most comfortable warming up our new house with, and asking which lights they thought would look good on the patio for the next party.

My husband got new window film for our windows (just enough additional light without being completely mirrored at night) and got all of our artwork hung up in the house and we curated the art together and it felt like such teamwork and such a win to accomplish so much with the deadline of the birthday.

Our chef said, I could give you my seasonal menu but what if we drew from your food memories instead? Leave it to Saehee to come up with something so beautiful that I cried when she asked me.

When we got to Hawaii, it felt like I could exhale. Our kid was skipping everywhere, dancing, singing, making up his own songs, drawing, just so happy. My husband got me 1999 Chanel watch and more than the gift, it was the thoughtfulness that went into it. He knows I’m a watch over jewelry girl, he didn’t spend too much over what he had budgeted but he found something that was cool and rare and a bargain (my perfect combo for a gift), and he thought about me (empathy!) more than about being flustered and how hard it was to try and nail down the gift, etc etc. I felt seen after so many years of us just not knowing what to get each other, disappointment, or just a miss entirely, it felt good to be known and seen.

Hoping for more acceptance, tolerance, love as the icebergs reveal themselves. As changes and ups for one person means an extended patience for another. And not change of circumstance as much as acceptance and new perspective (40 year old perspective) for the circumstance instead.

I leave you with my food memories that Saehee beautifully built off of:

Sarah’s Food Memories 

CEREAL - Saturday mornings with my sister watching ABC’s One Saturday Morning - Recess, Pepper Ann, and playing our Play Station. Eating cereal of our choosing, Lucky Charms, Frosted Flakes, Honey Bunches of Oats with Almonds. The best day of the week with my best friend. (Better than Sunday since we had to wake up early and go to church lol).

HAMBURGER HELPER - My parents both worked a lot but always made time for us. I remember one day my mom made us Hamburger Helper for dinner and we loved it. And she was so delighted: she found something that was quick, delicious, affordable. Being a mom now, I know how rare the combo of the three are.

FRENCH TOAST WITH EXTRA WHIP - We always used to go to this chain in the PNW called Sherri’s. I always ordered the same thing, french toast, with butter, draining the whole syrup, and always extra whip. Even now when we are at a diner, my parents ask me if I’m getting my usual.

KIMBAP:

Bap, kim, and kimchi - In the third grade, a kid named Michael Harris tried to make fun of me for bringing kimbap for lunch. And I remember clowning him SO HARD. And saying kim was soo good and everyone could try a piece if they wanted. I told everyone they had to line up if they wanted to try it, EXCEPT for Michael, he wasn’t allowed. I’ve always been so proud to be Korean.

Lotte Market kimbap - One of Kiko’s first meals when he could eat was kimchi and I remember being sooo elated that my half Korean baby liked it. When Kiko got a little older, we would go to Lotte Market in La Canada after running around Descanso Gardens. It was the one thing we did every week that kept me sane after having a baby at the beginning of lockdown. It felt like a miracle that a year later we were able to be outside, amongst the flowers, eating kimbap after a year of being inside. 

STRAWBERRY BINGSOO, COFFEE W A LOT OF CREAMER, MAX BRENNER SMORES PIZZA - My best friend Linette was the person who taught me and opened me up to the amazing wonder of female friendships. Prior to that, I thought the only woman I needed was my sister. Linette is a New Yorker, ten years older than me, is generous, kind, the best listener, the wisest person I’ve ever known. We spent so many hours, days, weeks, months, years, eating dollar slice pizza, getting bingsoo on 32nd/Ktown in NY, and frequenting Max Brenner lol for their s’mores pizza which I love.

FREDDO’S PASTA from Swingers - When Alex and I decided to date seriously, we basically did it long distance between LA & NY for two years. One of the first places he took me when I visited him in LA was Swingers. We would try and get two plates to share but ended up finally just getting two Freddo’s pasta cause we didn’t want to split it. I remember thinking that it felt so LA and wondering if I could ever see myself living here. We took Kiko for the first time yesterday and I held back tears when we did lol.

GALBI - My last meal before I die has to be galbi. For every birthday I always ask for galbi, at our wedding menu tasting, it was the first thing I decided on. Galbi has carried me through my whole life. Lol

GARLIC SHRIMP PLATE- Hawaii is go-to spot for our family. I think we’ve made a lot of life decisions in the calm of being there. The simplicity and being in such natural beauty allows us to process the complex and the heavy of the life stuff. We always get garlic shrimp from any and every place and it’s something all three of us eat. From the trucks (except for we always eat at the one next to the popular one, cause the one next door is Korean owned and as good if not better??) to the downstairs deli at the hotel. It always hits. 

ROSETTA PASTA - We had a trip planned to Mexico City not long after we found out I was pregnant. It was our first time visiting, and being EXHAUSTED from travel and the first few weeks of making a baby, we got a reservation at Rosetta perfectly timed post flight, pre check in to our Airbnb. I remember it being one of the best meals of my life. (Followed by the guava roll of course and Masala y Maiz also being wow). 

OFF MENU SIMPLE FISH & RICE AT GERANIUM in Copenhagen - We went to Copenhagen to visit Kiko’s first friend Edda while her family was traveling there to visit their relatives. We secured a res at Geranium through a friend of Alex’s who was a Noma previously. We didn’t know how to play it with a three year old since we didn’t have childcare abroad and just hoped that they would be forgiving of us bring a kid to the restaurant! To our surprise, the GM held Kiko’s hand through the wine cellar. The chef/owner came to our table and told us what an amazing job our child was doing (and that he had three kids of his own), and asked what he would enjoy eating. We said fish and rice? And he brought the most beautiful fish and rice and the food was filled with such love, grace, and empathy.

NEOGURI - I have been coined Neoguri girl by everyone I know. My dad is an amazing cook but we have had so many camping trips, so many late nights, so many times he’s helped us move, that ended with the perfect bowl of Neoguri. I’ve had friends just send me boxes for my birthday. Even now when we go to Korea, the bowl of Shin Ramyun (which will do even though Neoguri is superior), with a can of beer and me and my dad cheers-ing mid-flight, is a highlight of the entire trip. 

Sending you love and praying for permanent ceasefire,

Neoguri girl Sarah